Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Rand Paul for US Senate 2010: Down with people in wheelchairs, Down with Civil Rights, and Down with Male Pattern Baldness

Some people have said that the main problem with Ran Paul's hair is that it's a wig. They say that Rand Paul wears a hairpiece, a toupee. Nonsense! Actually, he doesn't just wear one hairpiece; he has several in his arsenal. Let's take a look at some of his recent selections.

Wow, that sure is a nice wig, Rand Paul. This one looks thick, full, and extravagant. Rand sports this toupee when he wants to get his wife Carol's attention. I like how he chose a wig that is blonde, unlike the natural grey hair on the side of his head. That gives Rand a youthful appearance. I also like the thick locks near the back that he swept over the sides, creating a pseudo comb-over using wig hair.

Rand Paul switches to a thinner style of hairpiece when he wants to look a bit more professional and distinguished. Take a look at some of his styles here:

Oh yea, there's a nice one Dr. Paul. Nice and thin, giving the appearance of realism. It's not as sexy as his other toupee, but this one gets the job done when speaking to the media. Whether defending the rights of small businesses to discriminate against black people, claiming disabled people bankrupt business owners by making them install elevators, or blaming the minimum wage for joblessness, this beautiful men's hairpiece always impresses his friends. Here's another shot of a similar toupee:

Notice the thin straw-like hairs placed gently on the top of his head. Don't be fooled, Rand Paul will be damned if he lets a gust of wind knock that beautiful toupee off of his head--he glues it down tight because he knows those little bits of hair were imported all the way from the heads of children in India and placed neatly in his toupee by workers in Chinese factories. Rand Paul knows the value overseas manufacturing. Notice the wet-looking strands that he flaps over the sides of his head in the back. Those greasy strands are critical to creating the illusion of a youthful head of hair and Rand Paul makes sure each one sits in its proper place on the side of his head.

If you are a voting resident of Kentucky you should commend Rand Paul on his ability to disguise his male pattern baldness by voting Rand Paul to the United States Senate. He certainly knows how to save money by purchasing a cheap wig, and thus he probably knows how to save money for the United States taxpayer. I dare anyone to doubt the judgement of Rand Paul after looking at the realistic wig on his head.

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